ezzy, life

Photo Credits: taken from Pinterest

Currently sitting on my bed with my leoprinted snuggie under my butt and my fairy lights above me that I have just put up again after I used them for the Acoustic Night – hah. We’ve opened up our doors to the summer season which also means that finals week is coming closer and closer. I, for my part, am in #studyranger mode, however, a huge urge inside of me stirred up making me write something again – dang you, pinterest.

Yes, I have indeed put my writing on a hold for a very long time. Yes, I have a very good reason for that. AND yes, I will share – duh.

I think over the past months I’ve just gone through the phases that all 20-somethings go through. I’ve been stuck within the cycle of questions about the future; ‘what am I doing?’ ‘am I doing the right thing?’ ‘where do I belong?’ ‘where do I want to be?’ ‘who do I want to be?’ ‘who and what is good for me?’ ‘what direction do I want to pursue?’. For writers, I guess, these questions are pretty much novel-worthy, but for me, these questions just terrified me and put me on auto-pilot. I just would not want to write down any of these thoughts down and set them free; allow myself a breather. I don’t know how you feel about this, but the most intimate things that I go through aren’t easy for me to express in spoken words, hence, I just cannot blurt them out, hence, I need pen and paper – or keyboard and screen – to speak my mind. So, it is pretty alarming when I can’t even blow off some steam with writing.

Of course, there are still parts in me that scream ‘no, don’t write this, you’re not ready’ and to be honest, I still listen to those voices in my head because I really am not ready. Even with the fact Amy Poehler once said, “Great people do things before they’re ready”, I still cave in and stay in my comfort zone. It is not because I care so much about what people say or that people criticise me. There is a lot more to it.

Just like the picture above says: Whenever I write, I indeed, share a part of my soul and even more so, I also share a part of my heart. Nowadays, I just can’t share my heart with everyone. And I hope you understand, that I put writing off for a while because it was too hard on my heart – it still is. I’ve also put my journal-writing off – just to let you know how cautious I am about my heart and how much I guard it at the moment (yes, that was pretty honest).

But now you’d ask yourself, ‘what was your turning point, Esther?’. Funnily enough, I was allowed to go back to being fourteen years old when I accompanied my sister to the One Direction concert. I was given the chance to see THAT band  (called McBusted) live, that has influenced pretty much everything I cherish about music up to this day. Just when I think back, about how much of a fangirl I was and still am, I also think back to the time I was really keen and passionate about writing. Those were the days I had so many dreams, so much faith in my craft – I just knew I wanted to pursue this.

It felt like I had more passion about things back in the days, than I have now. And that’s when I received a little enlightenment. Why in the past and why not now? I understand that life get’s in the way and people grow up, change and bla bla bla, but you don’t have to throw everything you’re passionate about away, do you? Most especially when you grow up. I think I’ve just forgotten. And life made me forget. And life made me adapt to the things that aren’t me. But music and writing and being creative, they are a huge part of me and I have let myself suppress that in exchange for a harder and bland life – simply because I wanted to fit it. So stupid.

One of the many things that I promised myself, was that I wanted to create value with the things I love to do in my life. Creation and value. Value and creation. Because that’s the only way I can leave a mark in this life.

Soooo, enough with the drama – I’ve had too much last night, watching the Game of Thrones season finale.

In conclusion, I pray that this passionate side of me lingers for a while. I pray that with time, my heart will be ready to speak again. And lastly, I pray that I pass my finals.

d.f.t.s, Ezzy


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